The collection of the innocence of youth is stored somewhere in me. I used to converse freely with Hashem. I would express myself to him with complete openness, withholding nothing. Kids don’t know how to censor…
Unlike Adults. I censor even when I try or think I am “trying” to speak to G-d. G-d, my Creator who sees all, knows all, “speaks and does”. That truly doesn’t make sense. But that is what I do.
My son used to have a trumpet teacher who told him a useful piece of truism. “Practice doesn’t make perfect, it makes permanent.”
Now I need to undo 45 years of furiously practicing the censor-cover-up thing.
What are the preliminaries? According to Rabbi Shalom Arush in a book called Garden of Emunah, translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody, EMUNAH is the ticket. Once you have Emunah you can go far.
But, only up to the threshold. To enter one must Talk With G-d; Hisbodedus or Hitbodedut, depending on your Jewish persuasion.
I have some level of Emunah. I do believe that Hashem runs the world. That everything that happens is ultimately for the Good, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Everything is a test. And passing the test means I get to move up the ladder closer to Hashem. If I fail the test or try not to show up for it, I’m going down. The ladder, that is.
We were all sent here to correct some peccadillo and we will return again and again, to the same place, exactly….unless I can pass the test (42 tests to be more precise).
Knowing what G-d wants of me is at least part of the test. But I think I need to ask. I need to ask for His help in knowing what that is and then ask for His help to carry it out. Engage in a conversation with G-d; Hisbodedus or Hitbodedut, (depending on your Jewish persuasion.)
It is harder than you think. Try it. I am, and I realize I need to crawl out from under the 45 year old pile of …schmutz that I have hidden under all these years.
I want to go back "to the garden".
With His help…